Med School to Whatever

As a Junior in college, I finally realized that I've been holding on to a mindset that plagued me all throughout high school and the majority of my first two years of undergrad at the University of Minnesota - Twin Cities. I'm obsessed with external praise - the support and approval of all of those around me. My goal was to show others that I was intelligent, capable, and able to handle anything life threw at me. What better way to do that than getting accepted into medical school. I convinced myself that medical school was what I wanted, that it was my passion. I had rehearsed answers, ready to pull out at any mention of what I wanted to do after my undergraduate years. I'd talk about how I loved the nursing home I worked at through out high school, how I enjoyed improving the lives of others and felt that I connected with the elderly. The more I thought about it, and talked to others, the more I believed it was the only thing that would make me happy.

I didn't start to challenge this belief until my fall semester of Junior year. All of my friends began talking about the MCAT, or those who had already applied were practicing admission interview questions with each other. The interview questions were what sparked me to take an inward look at myself and my desires. The question that stood out the most to me was when on of my fellow teaching assistants asked, 'Why medical school.' My initial thought was to ramble off my rehearsed lines I used through out high school - but then it hit me. What a good question. Why medical school. Why do I want to devote my life to a world of medicine, stress, pressure to perform and succeed each and every day - entrusted by others that I am making the best decisions in regard to their health. To be honest, I couldn't think of one good answer - I couldn't think of a response that I was satisfied with, a response that could fool me, let alone a medical school interviewer who is trained to recognize those unfit for the field.

It may have become apparent in this post, but almost all of it revolves around the use of the word 'I', something that I haven't paid much attention to for the majority of my life. My decisions, my goals, my actions, all relate back to some external need from those around me. I have never once asked myself what will make me happy, what is going to make me excited to get out of bed each and every day. I felt momentarily lost after medical school no longer felt like an option - at least not directly after undergrad, until I realized the one thing I looked forward to, each and every week - the one thing that elevated my mood and made a rough day seem manageable. My position as an undergraduate teaching assistant in a foundational course for other College of Biological Science majors.

Teaching never seemed like an option growing up. It's not regarded by others as prestigious or challenging. No one brags about their child who is a teacher. No one writes articles about a teacher who performed some incredible life altering operation. I saw little value or reward in the field. But the first time I explained the two hybrid system to a student and saw it click, the relief pass over their eyes as they understand a concept that they were sure was impossible - that was the moment I realized all the value the position could hold. I wouldn't have made it this far without teachers and professors who cared about me, who pushed me to succeed, who listened to my complaints when it wasn't even related to their educational topic.

Once I got to thinking about the influence teachers and professors have had on my life, I started thinking about all the children who don't have that opportunity - who don't have driven teachers who are there to help them achieve all of their childhood dreams. I have been graced by being born into a family that never hurt for money, we weren't rich by any means, but we always had what we needed. I was able to succeed academically because I never worried about where my next meal was coming from, or worried about how old and tattered my clothing looked. I was able to succeed because I knew I was going home to a family who had the ability to help me through my math homework and listen to me practice speeches. There are so many children who don't have these same resources. They are born into poverty, into school districts that don't have the funding to keep around motivated teachers, or the funding to supply teachers the tools they need to run a classroom. This situation not only discourages students, but results in jaded teachers who feel the education system does not have everyone in its best interest.

With all of this running through my head, I found myself getting excited, feeling that fire that I presume others feel about medical school. I had heard of programs such as Teach for America, but I never honestly considered them. But now, it's all I can think about. I know, without a doubt, that I want to spend my first two years after undergrad giving back to the academic community. I want to give all of those children who feel underprivileged and forgotten about, the hope for a happy and successful future. I want to cultivate the minds that were just like mine - that are just as capable of mine.

How can I continue with my education, when there are those who don't even have the very foundation they deserve? How can I continue to take advantage of my economic status without giving myself to those who are less fortunate? Why should I be so selfish - when I have the ability to improve the lives of others, in so many other aspects rather than their health?

All of this is what has lead me to my new stance on life, I used to think that medical school was my only option, but now I know that there is so much more the world has to offer me, and I have to offer the world. I have a lot to give and I'm tired of feeling as though I am a failure if it's not through medicine. I'm not saying that I writing medical school off forever, but I am acknowledging the fact that there are so many experiences I have yet to have and so much growing that I need to do. I need to live outside of the safe future that is reserved for those who are born lucky, and help show those who weren't that they are just as capable and deserving of success as the rest of us.

I will learn from them, just as much as they will learn from me. Teach for America, I have my eye on you.