After I poured my heart out Monday evening in my first blog post, I have felt substantially lighter. My mind is no longer swimming with mixed emotions, confusing processes, and the frustration of feeling inadequate. Removing the pressure of medical school being the only option, has lifted my spirits and has made me feel like myself again - the self that I lost the second I got a B in my freshman calculus class. I've begun to feel human again, feeling emotions other than stress. I've found myself more engaged in social interactions, actually listening and retaining information others tell me. My mind is no longer cluttered and unable to function. It's free to understand the world around me, rather than being consumed by the constant fear of failure. My body is no longer plagued with dysfunction. My stomach doesn't ache, my head doesn't pound, and my heart beats at a normal pace.
I can allow people to care about me, without fear that they will be there to watch me fall. I can allow people to build me up, without breaking myself back down. I had become so overrun with the idea that medical school was the be all, end all. If I didn't get in, I was nothing. But after stepping back, after reflecting inward, I was able to relieve myself of that nagging thought. It's uplifting to finally feel alive and awake. I no longer need to nap everyday, I no longer struggle to keep my eyes open. I was so mentally exhausted from the constant worry that I know longer appreciated the simple things. The time in between class spent laughing with a friend, or the time spent looking out the window. I was too busy fretting over the fact that I wasn't being 'productive'. I wasn't accomplishing anything while talking to friends or gazing out the window. What I failed to realize was those interactions are crucial to rejuvenation; they are imperative to a healthy mind and body.
By taking a step back and evaluating myself, and all that I am capable of, I finally noticed that I am more than just my grades. I finally accepted that I am not defined by how smart others perceive me. I am defined by my honest, my personality, my compassion towards others. I am defined by how I react to situations and handle problems. There is so much more to who you are than your perceived intelligence, what you can demonstrate on paper.
I am an interesting person, I can carry on conversations, I like to dance around and listen to loud music. I like to go for a run, or just walk around the city, take a bus and just stare out the window. I am so much more than that 50 minutes while I'm taking a physics test, or that 10 point quiz that I just couldn't get right, I'm more than those 5 points lost on a lab report. All of those are not indicative of me, of what I'm capable of. I am not defined by my grade point average, or the experiences I do or do not have. I am defined by what makes me happy, what makes me laugh, or cry. I am defined by all areas of life that are human. Confining your self worth to a small, tangible, and somewhat subjective aspect, is selling yourself short. Just because your teaching assistant decided they didn't like how you presented your point, doesn't mean you didn't present it well. It doesn't mean you weren't right. Just because your professor was looking for a slightly different answer, doesn't mean you don't understand the concept. Once we attach grades, rubrics, and averages, we forget all of the information we do know, and the talents we have. We focus on our shortcomings, instead of successes. We let ourselves drown in our failures instead of swim in our glories. It's unhealthy, it's detrimental, and it serves no one.
I'm done living by what I did wrong, or perceived myself to have done wrong. I'm not going to torture myself over lost points, or the inability to struggle through a homework problem. I'm not going to leave a mark on this world by getting a 4.0, I'm going to leave a mark on this world by sharing myself, by giving myself to all of those around me. I'm going to change the world through my compassion, my soul, not by the comments on a problem set.
Life is so much more than school and I want to start living, breathing, and enjoying the world around me.
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