Catharsis

Silence. Something that has been expected of me in relation to my emotions and beliefs since I was young. Any display of emotion or disagreement was met with accusations of and an assignment of a personality described as ‘overly dramatic’, or ‘exaggerator’. It’s true, I’ve always felt things strongly, I’ve always over analyzed every situation. But I believe this is rooted in an environment that relied on awareness; knowing how to read the room to ask questions at the right time. Knowing how to play the game to get what you want without eliciting a verbal attack targeted at your individuality, instead of at your reasoning.

Now, I’m not writing this for pity, disagreement, or frankly any feedback at all. I’m writing this because I’ve come to realize how this still impacts my everyday life. It impacts my mental health, my current relationships, and even how I handle situations pertaining to my future career. As most of my friends know, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety which was diagnosed my Freshman year of undergrad, but I have a suspicion it began long before then. This anxiety I think is based in not knowing the reaction I was going to get when I was young, whether it would be acceptance or some sort of aggressive insult on who I am. This anxiety continues into my present day life. I am constantly concerned over whether people like me, and how people in positions of authority perceive me. I am constantly concerned, to the annoyance of my friends, whether or not an interaction with a professor will result in them ‘hating me’. Although I am cognitively aware of the unlikelihood, I think that train of thought is so ingrained in me. Even now, while writing this, I am concerned about what people will think. But honestly, I’ve decided it’s time that I no longer sit silently while my surroundings bother me.

Now, in regards to being labeled as ‘overly dramatic’ or an ‘exaggerator’, it takes insight to understand how I don’t see my behavior as anything other than appropriate. For example, if the first time someone spoke to you in a way that was inappropriate, you’d calmly ask them to stop. But as the years go by and this approach doesn’t work, or is ignored completely, you’re likely to get more agitated. You’re likely to respond quicker and to smaller and smaller infractions against you. Microagressions feel macro, and you lose your tolerance for disrespect. Especially from people who don’t know you.

I’d like to share a story about what happened to me this past weekend. I’ve played it over and over in my head, trying to determine where I went wrong. I’ve been raised to believe that no matter the interaction, I am the ‘crazy one’, I am the one who did something wrong. But in this situation, I firmly disagree. Now, the following may seem trivial to some, but please keep in mind that this is not the first time I have been spoken to this way or treated with such indignance.

People who I do not know, and do not know me, were at my childhood home dropping off wood. They pulled their truck right up alongside my car and needed me to move in order for them to access the yard. Keep in mind they did not provide a time of arrival, but rather showed up at their convenience. Since I did not know when they were coming, I could not quickly locate my keys but I was actively looking when the woman came in and said ‘Hurry up, he has places to be’. Now, this may have been okay, but the tone she used with me was not appropriate, nor would she allow anyone to speak to her this way. I informed her I was looking for my keys and that I would like for her not to speak to me that way, a completely normal and adult request. Next thing I know, I am being screamed at to be quiet and to ‘stop’ and ‘not go there’. At this point, I am getting upset. I asked to not be spoken in such a manner by someone who doesn’t even know me, and yet I am the person who is wrong. Keep in mind I did not swear, I did not yell, I simply asked this stranger to speak to me in a way that wasn’t demeaning or rude.

My keys are located and I go out to move my car. Apparently this man could not wait and had wedged his truck in between my car and the yard light. Immediately people are yelling at me to ‘Move my fucking car’. Again, I asked to not be spoken to this way and the result was the same. I move my car and get out and inform them that I will be leaving today as I don’t tolerate being spoken to that way anymore. As I pack up my stuff and go to leave I am called ‘dramatic’ and saying that I always ‘overreact’. I again inform them that they would not tolerate someone speaking to them that way and why should I allow someone to treat me that way? This is when things get wildly inappropriate.

These strangers start yelling at me to ‘get out of here’ and to ‘shut up’ and the man stands there smirking at me. At this point I will admit I was slightly antagonistic and told him to stop smirking at me because he has no right to treat me this way. He then, in the most redneck voice you can imagine, yells ‘Oh boy, you’re lucky I don’t lay you flat on your back and beat your face again’. Recall, these people don’t know me, have never met me, and yet feel it is appropriate to be treating me this way. I tell the guy that I would love for him to try and touch me, admittedly slightly antagonistic, but as with most macho men, a call to action caused him to retreat to his truck for fear of actually acting on his words.

Now, I go home to St. Paul and stew on this interaction. I know that I will be painted as dramatic and 'psycho', as I’ve been painted many times in the past.  But this time something is different. I am proud of myself. I am proud that I stood up for myself. This may seem like a trivial situation that may have escalated further than it had to, but I am not sorry. I am not sorry that these people who think they can speak to others in this manner were talked back to. I am not sorry that their ignorance and violence was met with my voice telling them to stop. I am not sorry.

I am not sorry and never will be again. I will no longer apologize for standing up for myself, something I feel I’ve long forgotten how to do. I will no longer apologize for having emotions and feeling a certain way.

I know some people will not receive this well, and that is where the problem lies. If you cannot take a moment and see yourself in my shoes, but instead start making excuses and saying ‘oh that’s just that generation’ or ‘that’s just who they are’ then you are part of the problem. I should not have to tolerate or accept certain treatment because that is ‘how someone is’. If reading this makes you uncomfortable, good. It should. This isn’t normal behavior and shouldn’t be accepted. If this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, how would you feel had you experienced that? How would you feel if someone spoke to you that way? Surely you wouldn’t have been silent.

To the people this weekend, all I wish you’d hear and understand is: Remember, you would never allow someone to talk to you, the way you talked to me.